.....but I think this is the safest place. I am 34 and I am apparently going thru a mid-life crisis. I am surrounded by people, most of them under 4 feet tall, yet I feel totally and completely alone.
I just got back from watching Eat, Pray, Love and I am more scared now than ever. I am afraid that if I tried to "find" myself like the main character from the film, I wouldn't find anyone worth knowing. All that is in me is some boring house wife who has nothing better to talk about than toddler eating habits and dirty diapers. I have turned into some one that I don't recognize or understand.
Is therapy the answer or another cliche? How can talking about something that I can't verbalize make me feel better? I can't even hold a thought in my head long enough to understand it much less be able to communicate it to anyone, even my husband. Dear sweet husband. He has no idea what I am feeling and wouldn't get it if he did.
I am lost.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The good and the bad news
I got completely blindsided on Friday.....the company I have worked for for 7 years decided I didn't need to work there anymore and laid me off. Of course that is just semantics at this point because the informed me that it is definitely a permanent arrangement and that I should plan on moving my 401k ASAP. Did NOT see this one coming......I was a total mess the whole weekend but I have settled into a kind of gloom that comes and goes. They gave me a whopping 2 weeks severance that will help for a little while but it is still a very scary position to be in. The blow to my ego hurts the most. I thought I was valuable for my knowledge and experience but apparently I was really wrong.
The good news that kind of complicates everything is that I recently found out I am pregnant again. Still very early on, but it makes the prospect of finding another job rather interesting. If it takes too long it is going to be a bit obvious, but at this point I am not even sure that we can afford for me to be off for very long. The bright side is that we are mostly out of debt so there aren't too many problems with having to make payments. The cars are paid for, the furniture is paid for, so the only thing we have to pay for are utilities, mortgage and food. With some mighty belt tightening we will be OK, but it is going to take a lot of getting used to.
The good news that kind of complicates everything is that I recently found out I am pregnant again. Still very early on, but it makes the prospect of finding another job rather interesting. If it takes too long it is going to be a bit obvious, but at this point I am not even sure that we can afford for me to be off for very long. The bright side is that we are mostly out of debt so there aren't too many problems with having to make payments. The cars are paid for, the furniture is paid for, so the only thing we have to pay for are utilities, mortgage and food. With some mighty belt tightening we will be OK, but it is going to take a lot of getting used to.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Free lunch!
One of the most valuable things I have learned is never pass up a free lunch. So today I got one from Chipotle! Our office has ordered from the new restaurant to often since they opened for team lunches that they gave everyone who was willing to go over there and give them a business card a free burrito! Yeah! I LOVE their food, and now I don't need to eat dinner either. Four hours later and I am still full. Although....the heartburn I am experiencing right now is not all that comfortable....never had that happen before after eating the food there, but I don't know what else could be coming back at me.....
Dog sitting and other stories from our weekend
We bought a new bed. I am still shaking a little from the "unnecessary" cost, but it sure will be nice once we are sleeping on it. We upgraded to the king size from the queen size we have had for our entire marriage. We currently have a Select Comfort and have really not had any problems with it, it is just too small. For some reason it isn't just the two of us we need room for, but also a dog and a kid and maybe another kid in the future. The dog takes up enough room for two small children so that leaves Scott and I with exactly 4" each on our respective sides of the bed. We COULD put the dog in the crate, but she is a great snuggler and a really pitiful whiner. She can manage to pout so loudly without making a sound....deep sighs, bumps and digging in her crate, more heavy sighs....followed by a forlorn flop....it isn't pretty. And if you can resist her big amber eyes you are a stronger person than I am. Just pitiful I tell you!
So anyway, we bought a new king size Select Comfort (for $5 million...or so it feels) so now that means that we have to get a new bed frame/headboard/foot board. The mattress will be here in a week so we have to scramble to have the new bed here by then. Last night was Busy Monday, so that left tonight as the only option....and now I have to go to a meeting in Lodi. Should be short, but it means I won't be home until at least 8:00. Hope I can swing by Slumberland for a few minutes and see what they have before they close so we can get things rolling.
Scott worked all day on Saturday, while Caleb and I managed to do some grocery shopping. I sorted a few things out in the basement for the upcoming rummage sale and attempted to find my kitchen counters again. Saturday night, Scott and I managed to go on a "date" which was the first time we have been out alone together since August. Time sure flies.... We went to Flat Top Grill, then wanted to go bowling but all the lanes were taken so we ended up at a movie. We saw "Fool's Gold" which we both found very entertaining and then went home and collapsed. It was a very nice evening; it was nice to be able to look at each other and not talk about scheduling and Caleb for a little while. Although, it was tough to come up with anything else to talk about.
Our friends who were watching Caleb also left their dog for us to puppy sit while they returned to Michigan to sign off on the sale of their house. Cole (the puppy) is definitely a challenge! I am SOOOOOOO glad they are coming to pick him up soon. He is only 5 months old, but he is bigger than Ruby and just won't leave her alone. He keeps biting at her ears and feet, both of which she is really sensitive about, so she has been hiding under the table for two days. We have resorted to just keeping them separated the majority of the time, which makes things extra interesting. Cole can't be left alone for a second because he walks away with anything that is at nose level.....balls, papers, sweaters, slippers, socks, mittens, pens, crayons, stuffed toys, a hair brush...the list is endless. I even caught him with stuff he must have gotten off the kitchen counter; fun! I know he is just a puppy, but it makes me REALLY glad that we are past that stage, both with Ruby AND with Caleb. They listen equally well and can both follow simple commands. Life is good!
Sunday was kind of a waste (besides the buying the bed thing) although the weather was actually kind of nice for the first time in weeks. It was in the mid 30°s and the sun felt very warm. Didn't even need a coat when we went outside so that was a pleasant change. Had a few friends over for dinner Sunday night and then watched something recorded on the DVR. Not very exciting, but not very relaxing either. Didn't get nearly as much time to crochet as I wanted....in fact I didn't get anything done at all. *sigh* And now with the meeting tonight, bunco tomorrow and swimming lessons on Thursday and Scott's family here this weekend I doubt I will be getting anything done in the near future either. Can some one please invent the 26 hour day so I can get more stuff done? Please?
So anyway, we bought a new king size Select Comfort (for $5 million...or so it feels) so now that means that we have to get a new bed frame/headboard/foot board. The mattress will be here in a week so we have to scramble to have the new bed here by then. Last night was Busy Monday, so that left tonight as the only option....and now I have to go to a meeting in Lodi. Should be short, but it means I won't be home until at least 8:00. Hope I can swing by Slumberland for a few minutes and see what they have before they close so we can get things rolling.
Scott worked all day on Saturday, while Caleb and I managed to do some grocery shopping. I sorted a few things out in the basement for the upcoming rummage sale and attempted to find my kitchen counters again. Saturday night, Scott and I managed to go on a "date" which was the first time we have been out alone together since August. Time sure flies.... We went to Flat Top Grill, then wanted to go bowling but all the lanes were taken so we ended up at a movie. We saw "Fool's Gold" which we both found very entertaining and then went home and collapsed. It was a very nice evening; it was nice to be able to look at each other and not talk about scheduling and Caleb for a little while. Although, it was tough to come up with anything else to talk about.
Our friends who were watching Caleb also left their dog for us to puppy sit while they returned to Michigan to sign off on the sale of their house. Cole (the puppy) is definitely a challenge! I am SOOOOOOO glad they are coming to pick him up soon. He is only 5 months old, but he is bigger than Ruby and just won't leave her alone. He keeps biting at her ears and feet, both of which she is really sensitive about, so she has been hiding under the table for two days. We have resorted to just keeping them separated the majority of the time, which makes things extra interesting. Cole can't be left alone for a second because he walks away with anything that is at nose level.....balls, papers, sweaters, slippers, socks, mittens, pens, crayons, stuffed toys, a hair brush...the list is endless. I even caught him with stuff he must have gotten off the kitchen counter; fun! I know he is just a puppy, but it makes me REALLY glad that we are past that stage, both with Ruby AND with Caleb. They listen equally well and can both follow simple commands. Life is good!
Sunday was kind of a waste (besides the buying the bed thing) although the weather was actually kind of nice for the first time in weeks. It was in the mid 30°s and the sun felt very warm. Didn't even need a coat when we went outside so that was a pleasant change. Had a few friends over for dinner Sunday night and then watched something recorded on the DVR. Not very exciting, but not very relaxing either. Didn't get nearly as much time to crochet as I wanted....in fact I didn't get anything done at all. *sigh* And now with the meeting tonight, bunco tomorrow and swimming lessons on Thursday and Scott's family here this weekend I doubt I will be getting anything done in the near future either. Can some one please invent the 26 hour day so I can get more stuff done? Please?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Crochet: Swap Items galore!
I am shipping my package out to my swap partner for the kitchen swap this afternoon. This was my first swap and it sure was a bunch of fun! Of course, I never seem to have problems coming up with kitchen things to crochet; there are just so many great options out there!The first picture is of a pot holder that I made out of size 3 crochet thread. Never used thread before but I am really happy with the way this turned out. I have a ton of it left so I think I am going to have to make another one for me to have. Of course, if I ever manage to make another one I will be a little amazed!
The next picture shows the scrubby and dish cloth set I made out of a really neat variegated yarn from Lily Sugar'n Cream. Very pretty! Did a quick roll stitch around the edge to give the
dish cloth a little definition and that worked out really well.I also included a watermelon shaped pot holder and matching dish cloth, a bright green/white variegated dish cloth and matching scrubby, a nylon/cotton scrubber and an adorable little tea pot and tea bag set that I found at Joann's. Very cute and very fun! I just hope she likes everything that I am sending.....haven't been able to get to know her very well because there appears to be a problem with either her email receiving or my email sending. Gotta love modern technology, right?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Where does all the time go?
This week has just evaporated. I got hit with a deadline yesterday that had my head spinning, and now I am having problems figuring out which side of my life is up. Very strange feeling...like being anxious and bored all at the same time. I don't know what to do next, but I feel like I should hurry up and do SOMETHING already.
Last night I just crashed where I sat. I was asleep before Caleb, but then of course, I kept waking up in the middle of the night so that by the time morning rolled around I still didn't feel all that rested. Caffeine just isn't doing the job this morning and I am really struggling to keep from laying my head down on my desk and taking a nap.
Caleb has his swimming class tonight so that means another meal at Noodles & Co. I love the food, but it is getting a little bit old after eating there at least once a week for a year. His friend Amelia is going to be there as usual and she is so sweet, in a Tasmanian devil kind of way. She can wear me out just watching her! But she has the sweetest smile and the happiest attitude that you can imagine. I think even Caleb wonders why she is running around all the time!
For the first time in months, Scott and I are planning a date for Saturday night. Our schedule's have been so crazy lately that we have done little more than pass each other in the hallway. We seem to be living separate living all of a sudden and need a little time to re-connect. Maybe even TALK to each other....novel concept, huh? Don't know WHAT we are going to do yet, but hopefully it will involve eating some place that is NOT kid friendly and then watching a movie that isn't animated. That is if we can manage to stay awake long enough to actually make it to the movie.
The other exciting thing that is on tap for this weekend is.....wait for it.....wait for it....CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT! Whoo! Doesn't that sound exciting? It has been neglected for WAY too long and is going to involve posting a bunch of items on Craigs List and making another pile for a garage sale. And HOPEFULLY it will also involve some space planning for the laundry area and bathroom. I would really like to put in some kind of slope sink where we can dump dirty mop water and clean paint brushes....right now it all seems to happen in the kitchen sink and that just doesn't seem sanitary some how.
And we are also going to be puppy sitting for a friend's dog this weekend. It could be a challenge since our backyard is drifted 4' deep with snow, but hopefully the two dogs will play and manage to not destroy our house. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!
Last night I just crashed where I sat. I was asleep before Caleb, but then of course, I kept waking up in the middle of the night so that by the time morning rolled around I still didn't feel all that rested. Caffeine just isn't doing the job this morning and I am really struggling to keep from laying my head down on my desk and taking a nap.
Caleb has his swimming class tonight so that means another meal at Noodles & Co. I love the food, but it is getting a little bit old after eating there at least once a week for a year. His friend Amelia is going to be there as usual and she is so sweet, in a Tasmanian devil kind of way. She can wear me out just watching her! But she has the sweetest smile and the happiest attitude that you can imagine. I think even Caleb wonders why she is running around all the time!
For the first time in months, Scott and I are planning a date for Saturday night. Our schedule's have been so crazy lately that we have done little more than pass each other in the hallway. We seem to be living separate living all of a sudden and need a little time to re-connect. Maybe even TALK to each other....novel concept, huh? Don't know WHAT we are going to do yet, but hopefully it will involve eating some place that is NOT kid friendly and then watching a movie that isn't animated. That is if we can manage to stay awake long enough to actually make it to the movie.
The other exciting thing that is on tap for this weekend is.....wait for it.....wait for it....CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT! Whoo! Doesn't that sound exciting? It has been neglected for WAY too long and is going to involve posting a bunch of items on Craigs List and making another pile for a garage sale. And HOPEFULLY it will also involve some space planning for the laundry area and bathroom. I would really like to put in some kind of slope sink where we can dump dirty mop water and clean paint brushes....right now it all seems to happen in the kitchen sink and that just doesn't seem sanitary some how.
And we are also going to be puppy sitting for a friend's dog this weekend. It could be a challenge since our backyard is drifted 4' deep with snow, but hopefully the two dogs will play and manage to not destroy our house. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Crochet: Knit Out & Crochet 2008
I got to spend the weekend in Minneapolis with 3 friends attending the Knit Out & Crochet 2008 event at the Mall of America. It was fun and I really enjoyed the company, but I definitely don't need to go back next year. The lines were SUPER long and the reward was pretty minimal. And did I mention how much I detest shopping and shopping malls? Which means that the Mall of America was not all that exciting for me.
We stayed at the Ramada Inn, which was a lot nicer place than I had originally imagined. Yes, it was old and dated looking, but it was definitely clean and that is worth more to me than fancy lights and fountains. There seemed to be a LOT of kids running around and I got the impression that they may have been there as part of some kind of sports tournament, but it was quiet, thank god!
As for the event itself, we got there really early, but most of the booths weren't open yet and by the time we found a locker and were ready to make a second lap, the line was HUGE. And of course we got in line right ahead of a lady who would not stop talking and/or complaining the whole time we were standing there. I was looking forward to free yarns and other stuff, but was disappointed in the things that were actually handed out. I got two skeins of novelty yarn that I will never use and will probably send off to a friend, as well as many patterns that were from FREE tear off sheets. And most of those were knitting! I did get a free H hook (already have 3) and a Q hook (I do have one of these but Caleb keeps taking it) so that was at least a bonus. The demos looked really fun, but they maybe had 20 seats set up at each station and there were 55,000 people expected for the weekend. Huh? Didn't get to spend anytime there!
The place where we spent the most time was in the Warm Up America booth, but it was not a very welcoming place. There didn't seem to be a real "leader" who was showing people what to do and where they could sit and that didn't help keep things organized. I grabbed some sections and yarn and managed to assemble 2 full strips, but was never invited to the "table" or even smiled at until I was almost done. And from my POV, there were many people who came into the area looking interested, but were never felt "welcomed" by the people already there so they didn't stick around. Now I see in a couple of places that they were upset more people didn't stay to help assemble....I wonder why.....
We stayed at the Ramada Inn, which was a lot nicer place than I had originally imagined. Yes, it was old and dated looking, but it was definitely clean and that is worth more to me than fancy lights and fountains. There seemed to be a LOT of kids running around and I got the impression that they may have been there as part of some kind of sports tournament, but it was quiet, thank god!
As for the event itself, we got there really early, but most of the booths weren't open yet and by the time we found a locker and were ready to make a second lap, the line was HUGE. And of course we got in line right ahead of a lady who would not stop talking and/or complaining the whole time we were standing there. I was looking forward to free yarns and other stuff, but was disappointed in the things that were actually handed out. I got two skeins of novelty yarn that I will never use and will probably send off to a friend, as well as many patterns that were from FREE tear off sheets. And most of those were knitting! I did get a free H hook (already have 3) and a Q hook (I do have one of these but Caleb keeps taking it) so that was at least a bonus. The demos looked really fun, but they maybe had 20 seats set up at each station and there were 55,000 people expected for the weekend. Huh? Didn't get to spend anytime there!
The place where we spent the most time was in the Warm Up America booth, but it was not a very welcoming place. There didn't seem to be a real "leader" who was showing people what to do and where they could sit and that didn't help keep things organized. I grabbed some sections and yarn and managed to assemble 2 full strips, but was never invited to the "table" or even smiled at until I was almost done. And from my POV, there were many people who came into the area looking interested, but were never felt "welcomed" by the people already there so they didn't stick around. Now I see in a couple of places that they were upset more people didn't stay to help assemble....I wonder why.....
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